I've had two abnormal EKGs in the past month.

I can't keep pretending nothing's wrong anymore.

Every step we take that's synchronized
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

You shower me with lullabies
As you're walking away
Reminds me that it's killing time
On this fateful day

See you at the bitter end

~ Placebo

People say that when you are happy that time flies. I guess that is true since this year has flown by so fast. Things hasn't been perfect this year, but they have been better than anything from my past. I feel accepted for who I am and who I am trying to become. I feel loved every day and know that even though things can change in an instant, I will be okay with what may come in the next year.

I was thinking the other day, and it occurred to me that I have spent more time with my fiance than I ever did with anyone else. Now that does not mean that I have been with him longer, I have spent more "physical" time with him. I have gotten to know him where I never got a chance with any of the other men I have had in my life.

There is no military, drugs, alcohol, or people to get in the way. We have taken the time to find out who each other is as well as who we are when together. I can truly say that this man is my best friend. I don't think of my past and I don't look or need others around me. He is all I have ever needed and God waited till he knew I would accept this gift to give it to me. I am so grateful for that.

This time of the year has new meaning for me, and I am now happy instead of sad. I don't look to the past for answers, but look forward to see what new things will come.

So to that I wish all that still read this blog...

Happy Holidays!

Elly

You were the first to say
That we were not ok
You were the first to lie
When we were not alright

This was my first love
She was the firs to go
And when she left me for you
I was the last to know

(solo)

I'll be the first to say
That now I'm ok
And for the first time
I've opened up my eyes

This was my worst love
You'll be the first to go
And when she leaves you for dead
You'll be the last to know

---Three Days Grace

Just for background:

The Army has taken their hand-to-hand fighting a little more seriously in the last few years... it's now called "combatives" and there are five levels of the training. I've been through level 2, so I have a little more working knowledge of grappling and Jui Jitsu.

When I first got to gulfport, I met a guy named Reggie at the gym on Keesler, and he invited me to his dojo, a place called Dixson's Dungeon (now renamed Gulf Coast MMA) in Biloxi. I liked John Dixson right off the bat, and the prices were good, so I signed up for the beginner classes. There were time issues, what with my schedule being insane, but the real problem was that I was dominating in the beginner class, and not really learning anything new. So John put me in with his fighters, since he didn't have an 'intermediate' class.

I got destroyed on a nightly basis... but I was loving it, until that one time at the beginning of August. I was rolling with Reggie when he got me in a heel hook (a type of leg-lock). It wasn't tight, so I tried to roll my body sideways to escape... turned out Reggie was just being nice. He cinched it up, and I swear it felt like he tore my calf muscle. I couldn't walk right for almost a week.

Decision moment. I'm active duty, and I'm not training to go into the UFC or anything, I just wanted the workouts. I can't get hurt or almost maimed and stay on active duty. I just can't. So I sat John down and explained it to him, walked out on two months of already paid tuition too, dammit.

I mentioned this to one of my our future soldiers when we were talking about the fights this weekend (MAN, that was a sick cut on Diego Garcia's head, wasn't it?)... and he told me about an ITA Tae Kwon Do dojo here in Gulfport that does Gracie BJJ three times a week, so I went down and talked to the grand master this evening. Looks like I'll be starting this up on Wednesday, just to see where it goes. He's going to let me go month to month until January ends, even. I'm just worried that I'll be able to slow down when we're rolling, or even adapt to a style where they do wear the traditional gi. *shrug*

We shall see.